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You.

I enter your yard but you are not there,  I walk in your house but there is silence, I sleep in your bed but your not here. I seek your company but you are far away, I dream at night of your arms around me, of your gentle kiss.  I dream of our passionate times together to wake at dawn with you still far away.

I know its not long till you return but my heart aches for yours.  I love you and miss you.

horsey

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Im in the mood.

Hi all I know it has been a long time since I last posted and in some cases even longer since I visited your blogs.  Does this make me a bad blogger you bet it does, but to be honest I have had some amazing things going on in my life and have come to some realisations about who I am and what I want from this life I have been given.

Firstly let me say that I have nearly given up this blog 8 or 9 times in the past month or so, I have nearly ended writing here.  Not because I don’t like writing, but because I have found it increasingly hard to write something meaningful that did not sound like was complaining about my lot in life.

I have however come to a realisation that I need to write even if it is only something small a couple of lines every couple of days to express what I am feeling.  A diary of sorts if you wish.  Some place where I can openly discuss my feelings and views on things.  Before I go any further there are a couple of people who need to read this bit I have put this in Italics for you.  This is my place not yours I will not feel like I cannot write what I want to here, if you are offended or feel out of sorts from what you read then please feel free never to read this site again.  It is because of you that I have nearly given up doing something that I truly enjoy doing.  In other words this is my site not yours if you dont like whats here then fuck off. I hope this gets the message out there, if I make you uncomfortable or you dont like my view on an event or you think things should be written differently then to bad.  Now that’s out of the way.

I would like to talk about something that has been very close to me for the past 12 months of my life, and this comes in two parts (yes this will be a long post).

(1) Coming out and the ending of my relationship with Kelly.  One of the hardest things I have ever done was to break the heart of someone I love.  Yes I still love her now as a friend even though at times she has done me great damage.  We have a common interest in Zoe who is by far the love of my life, there is no one else in my life that lights me up the way that she does when she enters a room.  I would willingly end my life to make hers better or to save her from any suffering or even a quarter of what I have been through.

Whats it been like you ask to transition from the straight world to the gay world?  Whats it been like adjusting?.  To be honest the transition has been easier than I thought it would be but their are choppy waters ahead.  Because I am now in a relationship with someone, there will become a time where I will need to inform my family, something that I know deep down will not go down well, in-fact I would think it would be the end of any relationship I have with my family.  I am being smart however and making sure I can stand on my own before I tell them.  Its going to hurt losing them but I will be forced into telling them as I cant lie any more and wont lie to them about who I am and who I have become.

(2) My illness.  It came at a very bad time for me, when I was starting to get a business off the ground when I needed the strength to fight off my feelings for men, to hold my relationship together.  I did not need to get sick, it took away a lot of me and threw it away for good.  I know now that a lot of my actions, reactions to things situations people were all based around the chemical imbalance in my brain, my compulsive need to be the centre of attention my endless rounds of fantasy, my need to involve others to validate the lie.  All these things I did without really knowing what I was doing was wrong.  If had seen someone else do it I would have said “how terrible don’t trust that person”, but i could not see what I was doing or what I had become.

I will always remember when things went wrong when I crashed and what happened that night and immediately afterwards.  It was not so much my actions that night that were the issue but what I had been doing previously.  To be honest readers that is between me and my ex and will as far as I am concerned stay that way for the time being, its something that I will have to question as a flaw of character and will one day deal with but for now it is to wait.

What has happened to me since my diagnosis has been nothing short of a nightmare and a miracle  at the same time.  I was placed on Eplim (sodium Vaplorate) as a mood stabiliser then initially on zyprexa (anti-psychotic) and nothing for the depression.  This left me in a near suicidal and suicidal state for many months as I fell through the cracks of support when I moved to be with Zoe.  I remember the dark times vividly the times when I no longer thought that the world was a place that needed me nor wanted me in it.  This blog has been a testament to a couple of those occasions.  I eventually after 4 months of hell got in to see a psychiatrist here in town and he placed me on Lexapro (SSRI anti-depressant) and resperidone (anti-psychotic).

That was the beginning of the up cycle and I have since had avanza (anti-depressant) added to my meds as a supplement and to help me to sleep.  Today like the past 4 days I have felt ok like I want to live like there is a reason to get out of bed and live my life and not want to hide like I have on many a day.  The drugs have been a blessing and a curse, they have brought me out of the darkness of a bad illness, but has also taken away nearly a year of my life going through transitions of drugs, through the days where thinking is beyond any reasonable hope, where being fuzzy in both vision and mind are a way of life.  Sometimes it felt like it was all to much to much to deal with, but somewhere I found the strength.

I know where that strength came from.  It came from those I surrounded myself with both in the real world and on-line.  The support and love I have felt during my deepest and darkest hours have truly made me change my mind about humanity.  I have found some amazing people.  If it was not for the love and support of one man I have never met in person and only ever spoken to on Skype  I am not sure where I would be today, his steady hand sound strong advice has helped me through some very rough waters people.  I remember one night in particular where he kept me alive for 7 hours talking to me.  You know what the real kicker is.  He says he still loves me as a friend and for the life of me I still cant see why.

So a big thanks to those of you who supported me, it has meant more than you will ever know, I lost my ability to work through all this but you have kept me fed and clothed and a roof over my head, you have helped me through dark days fighting the black dog, and brought me back from the brink of self destruction.  Thanks it just does not seem enough to say for what you have all done but its all I have to offer and I hope its enough.

Horsey

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Hi there

This is a quick hi to a long time friend who is now reading my blog.  Hi Moe.

And to all my other readers including you Adrian a special hello and big hugs..

Horsey

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Missing you..

You have been gone over a week

I miss your tender touch

I miss your smile

I miss your smell

I miss the feeling of being close to you

I miss your caring words

And most of all I miss you..

Horsey

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Rant

Down, alone, lonely and anxious, all words i know well.  All things that stalk my life my very being.  I take pills lots of them to feel better, to stop those feelings  but they dont always work.  Right now my future is uncertain, I am worried about lots of things some real, and some well not so real (or they will turn out that way).

I had so many plans for my life, most of them now gone evaporated gone for ever,  I looked at getting one of those dreams back today, and everything stands in my way. Everything that I need to do what I dreamt of is unattainable.  I wonder what I must have done to deserve all of this what I must have done to deserve getting Bipolar, what I must have done to deserve the pain that I have lived through this past 12 months.  Why must things be so damn hard, I just dont understand.  Some people go their whole lives and never have a days issue or stress, where as me, oh my do I have stresses and life sucks for me at times.

I dont mean to bitch I dont mean to moan, I have a wonderful man in my life, I have a 6 year old girl who does nothing but make me smile, its just the rest of my life is in pieces right now and I am not sure how to put it back together, and who will be around to help me.  I cant do it on my own I am just not strong enough.  People just assume because I made it this far I am strong enough to complete it, Im not, I have nearly run my marathon, and I am exhausted.  I dont know what to do where to turn and who to turn too.

Horsey

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RANT…

Okay I am shitty as all hell, yes i have been feeling better the last couple of days..  thanks for asking..  No Im not sorry I posted the previous post, not in the slightest, it helped me get through another dark period.

Why am i shitty.. Fucking work again, I have worked Monday night 2.00am for the past 10 weeks infact it is my regular shift, something which i have come to expect and I know whats expected of me on the shift.  Well that was till last night we had 8 people and I was the only regular, everyone ordering me what to do, not being able to do the things I normally do, people pushing me out of the way and out of what I was doing, then getting accused of doing nothing.. For fucks sake, i worked my backside off especially since one bitch wont come withing 20 feet of me and left me with newpapers coming down the conveyer all on my own..  Fucking cow she is just cause I am gay everyone thinks they can order me round, and when I did stick up for myself I got accused of being slow.. agghhh I hate this job..

I hate small minded people I work with why do they feel they can order me around and its only been  happening since I came out at work.  What do they think I am some mindless poof who cant think for himself.  Fuck I am angry.  I have never been this pissed off at work.  I so want another job one that does not beat up my self esteem.

Horsey

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Im down

Why is it I feel this way, low, feel like I want to hide.  I am sick of change in my life, I just want some time to be me, without stress, without worrying how I will make my next meal.  I am tired, tired of being on the move constantly shifting,  the longest I have stayed in one place in the past 4 years is 18 months..  I want somewhere to be a place for me.

Im down, I have had enough, friends fighting, why do they put me in the middle, im the one who is least likely to cope.  The person i want to talk to is to far away right now.  I just want to spend some time, nothing else.  What am I going to be like when your gone a month?

Im not coping today, the pills are not helping, someone come and give me a cuddle and whisper its going to be ok, because right now I need to hear those words, because I am feeling very uncertain. The darkness has returned.

Horsey

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