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Archive for April, 2007

Im down

Why is it I feel this way, low, feel like I want to hide.  I am sick of change in my life, I just want some time to be me, without stress, without worrying how I will make my next meal.  I am tired, tired of being on the move constantly shifting,  the longest I have stayed in one place in the past 4 years is 18 months..  I want somewhere to be a place for me.

Im down, I have had enough, friends fighting, why do they put me in the middle, im the one who is least likely to cope.  The person i want to talk to is to far away right now.  I just want to spend some time, nothing else.  What am I going to be like when your gone a month?

Im not coping today, the pills are not helping, someone come and give me a cuddle and whisper its going to be ok, because right now I need to hear those words, because I am feeling very uncertain. The darkness has returned.

Horsey

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Got Work

Have work soon and sooo don’t want to go.  I so need a new job this working nights has hairs on it.

horsey

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Adoption

Funny topic heading you might think. Well for me its not, I am an adopted child, have been since i was very very young. What does it mean you might ask? Well to me a lot, there are things that normal non adopted kids never ask, like why did my mum give me up? That might sound like a simple question that is easy to live with but let me assure you its not. Its a question that eats away at who you are, you question things about yourself. Why wasn’t I good enough? What is wrong with me that I cant be loved by my real mum? What did I do ? Even as a adult I still ask myself these questions, I may not think about it for months or even a year then something will happen to make me think about it again.

The statistics surrounding how well adopted kids do is not good, we don’t do well as kids or adults, it has something to do with the broken bond between a mother and child. If you want reading materials there are literally hundreds of sites, trust me I have been to a few. I also wonder if my father was gay? Something else that has been on my mind.

Adopted

I suppose you want to know if I have looked for my real mother. The answer is no. Why you may ask ? Because I am scared of further rejection. There are times I think about looking for her, but in reality I think for now I will leave sleeping dogs lie, and just put up with the questions.

Horsey

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How goes it.

Hi all been a while again, I promise to start posting more regularly, I have been busy that that is no excuse.  I realised something the other day which I suppose should have dawned on me long before now, and that is that each of these posts leave a small footprint of my life behind.   Every time i post I place a little bit of me and how I am at the time down and when I am eventually all gone they will be a lasting reminder of me and who I was.

That is unique I don’t know of any other time in history when a Joe or Mary could write something down that could potentially be read by thousands over an undetermined amount of time.  Fair enough books or diaries but the latter was supposed to be private thoughts of individuals not to be read by others, and books were only for those who could get published. The web and blogging has made all of this possible, along with all the developments that have lead up to this point.  I find it all fascinating and scary at the same time.

So I am wondering what you think, do you think I have gotten all deep and meaningful when I shouldn’t and I am reading WAY to much into it?  Or is it a real realisation in that this is part of what is going to be left behind?

Horsey

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A bit to say

Hi guys, long time since I posted, and no I haven’t dumped you all for the new man, have just been busy with a few things..

Well where do I start, its been busy had a great Easter spread my time between the new man and even got to see Zoe which I did not think I would get to do.. I purchased her this huge Easter bunny plush toy it was just so cute, anyway it went down a huge hit, apparently she did not even touch her chocolate till after lunch she was to busy playing with it. Anyway I suppose I should explain. Kelly and I have always had an agreement over chocolate for Easter for Zoe, she can have some just not the loads a lot of kids get. So we always try and buy her something different, for example the bunny and a Shrek toothbrush. I think Kelly got Zoe some underwear as well. There is nothing worse than a hyped up kid on chocolate. Trust me its not pretty with Zoe I have seen it. Plus she ends up sick if she eats to much of it, and she is getting to realise it as well.

Next on the agenda has been work, I seem to have not left the place. Its been busy and I have been working some long shifts which has been good for the back pocket and not so good for my mental state. Talking of which I have been asked by my psych to quit the job as soon as I can. I had a visit with him week before last, and it was the best visit yet, he seemed to actually want to listen to what I had to say which was something new for me, mostly my visits to the psych have been them telling me whats been going on. I was interested to find out some things about the medications I have been on and some of the not so obvious side effects I have been dealing with. For example the sweats I get from time to time and the tremors I experience in my hands. I was unaware that the medication I was on could cause those issues..

The new man has been wonderful and we had a great time over the Easter long weekend, we have 4 days here in Aussie and we spent the best part of 3 of those together. He even took me out on Easter Sunday. What I like about the way we have been going is that there is a level of understanding between us about what is an acceptable pace for the relationship to develop. Keeping in mind that I have only really been stable for about 8 weeks and I need to be careful not to get to hurt. Plus he is still recovering from things in his life as well, so its been a steady as she goes course between us, with lots of talking which has seriously put me at ease.

Had a cool experience today, spoke with Tony on Skype for the first time, and I must admit to going all shy on him, especially since we have been so frank in our text discussions. He wrote this post about me and to be honest I am flattered by it. I think its cool, although I will admit to being a tad speechless when I first read it. I think we are going to end up fine friends thats for certain.

Anyway that sort of ends this post, I have missed you all, but to be honest haven’t had much time to sit down and post till now with work the new man, Easter and Zoe all in the mix it has been very busy on this end. One more thing which will take the load off me is that it looks like I will be getting ever second Friday off now so I can have Zoe on a Friday Saturday night which will make me very very happy and not so damn tired.

Horsey

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She is leaving… Wooo Hooo

Well the bitch.. see previous post, is leaving.  Wednesday is her last shift, cant fucking wait, i got told last night and could nearly not hold my joy.

Horsey

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On my Mind

I know I have already posted tonight, but i have some more serious stuff on my mind..  I did not have a good night Thursday night at work, I walked in to here my sexuality being openly discussed with a level of distaste by the woman who accused me of sexual harassment.

Not only was it being discussed but it was being discussed at volume where  I could hear it clearly across the carpark some 50 mtrs away.  Even worse is that one shift was ending and another starting so anyone walking buy could have heard the discussion.  I am angry hurt and disgusted with what I heard.

To make things worse I went to the boss about it.  He asked me point blank what I wanted him to do about it.  I told him I no longer wanted to work shifts with her.  What made things worse again is that I ended up having to pair up with this bitch when working, and I had to keep my bloody mouth shut.. All I wanted to do was tell her exactly what I thought of her.  That backstabbing bitch how dare she call me a “Fat ugly gay fag”..  what fucking right does she have.  I know I am gay and fat and ugly I don’t need it rubbed in by some bitch that makes a whale look small.. she can fucking talk about fat.  Im sensitive damn fucking right I am, wouldn’t you be if it was said about you after the problems she caused me earlier in the year.

Horsey

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