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Hi..

Yeah i know I havent been round much at all since August, have been a bit busy and to be honest I havent known what to say to everyone.  Looks like Uncensored has gone I hope he is ok, because  his blog has been pulled to bits. It was an interesting read, and i will miss him.

Zoe is still leaving Im down to 4 visits now before she leaves, my man is heading away over christmas to be with his family so i will most likely be house sitting and will have zoe during the christmas new year period.. up untill a couple of days before she heads out of my life.  Looking forward to having her but not her leaving.  Think it will be a real test of how far I have come mentally as to how i react after she has left.

Will leave this post short, i will try and post again in a couple of days

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I have known for a while

Well all I have known for a while that Zoe is moving away from, me as Kelly and Tony’s relationship became more solid and he was due for an air force transfer.  However it has never seen quite real, its sort of always been off in the distance, something that will happen one day.

Well that all changed today, I received a phone call from Kelly this morning, it has been confirmed they are moving away on the 13th of January if my memory serves me right.  I am feeling it already guys, lets just hope I can come to terms with it before its time for her to move away or I am going to be a complete wreck for days.

Horsey

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My Girl loves me!

Love Dad

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Im in the mood.

Hi all I know it has been a long time since I last posted and in some cases even longer since I visited your blogs.  Does this make me a bad blogger you bet it does, but to be honest I have had some amazing things going on in my life and have come to some realisations about who I am and what I want from this life I have been given.

Firstly let me say that I have nearly given up this blog 8 or 9 times in the past month or so, I have nearly ended writing here.  Not because I don’t like writing, but because I have found it increasingly hard to write something meaningful that did not sound like was complaining about my lot in life.

I have however come to a realisation that I need to write even if it is only something small a couple of lines every couple of days to express what I am feeling.  A diary of sorts if you wish.  Some place where I can openly discuss my feelings and views on things.  Before I go any further there are a couple of people who need to read this bit I have put this in Italics for you.  This is my place not yours I will not feel like I cannot write what I want to here, if you are offended or feel out of sorts from what you read then please feel free never to read this site again.  It is because of you that I have nearly given up doing something that I truly enjoy doing.  In other words this is my site not yours if you dont like whats here then fuck off. I hope this gets the message out there, if I make you uncomfortable or you dont like my view on an event or you think things should be written differently then to bad.  Now that’s out of the way.

I would like to talk about something that has been very close to me for the past 12 months of my life, and this comes in two parts (yes this will be a long post).

(1) Coming out and the ending of my relationship with Kelly.  One of the hardest things I have ever done was to break the heart of someone I love.  Yes I still love her now as a friend even though at times she has done me great damage.  We have a common interest in Zoe who is by far the love of my life, there is no one else in my life that lights me up the way that she does when she enters a room.  I would willingly end my life to make hers better or to save her from any suffering or even a quarter of what I have been through.

Whats it been like you ask to transition from the straight world to the gay world?  Whats it been like adjusting?.  To be honest the transition has been easier than I thought it would be but their are choppy waters ahead.  Because I am now in a relationship with someone, there will become a time where I will need to inform my family, something that I know deep down will not go down well, in-fact I would think it would be the end of any relationship I have with my family.  I am being smart however and making sure I can stand on my own before I tell them.  Its going to hurt losing them but I will be forced into telling them as I cant lie any more and wont lie to them about who I am and who I have become.

(2) My illness.  It came at a very bad time for me, when I was starting to get a business off the ground when I needed the strength to fight off my feelings for men, to hold my relationship together.  I did not need to get sick, it took away a lot of me and threw it away for good.  I know now that a lot of my actions, reactions to things situations people were all based around the chemical imbalance in my brain, my compulsive need to be the centre of attention my endless rounds of fantasy, my need to involve others to validate the lie.  All these things I did without really knowing what I was doing was wrong.  If had seen someone else do it I would have said “how terrible don’t trust that person”, but i could not see what I was doing or what I had become.

I will always remember when things went wrong when I crashed and what happened that night and immediately afterwards.  It was not so much my actions that night that were the issue but what I had been doing previously.  To be honest readers that is between me and my ex and will as far as I am concerned stay that way for the time being, its something that I will have to question as a flaw of character and will one day deal with but for now it is to wait.

What has happened to me since my diagnosis has been nothing short of a nightmare and a miracle  at the same time.  I was placed on Eplim (sodium Vaplorate) as a mood stabiliser then initially on zyprexa (anti-psychotic) and nothing for the depression.  This left me in a near suicidal and suicidal state for many months as I fell through the cracks of support when I moved to be with Zoe.  I remember the dark times vividly the times when I no longer thought that the world was a place that needed me nor wanted me in it.  This blog has been a testament to a couple of those occasions.  I eventually after 4 months of hell got in to see a psychiatrist here in town and he placed me on Lexapro (SSRI anti-depressant) and resperidone (anti-psychotic).

That was the beginning of the up cycle and I have since had avanza (anti-depressant) added to my meds as a supplement and to help me to sleep.  Today like the past 4 days I have felt ok like I want to live like there is a reason to get out of bed and live my life and not want to hide like I have on many a day.  The drugs have been a blessing and a curse, they have brought me out of the darkness of a bad illness, but has also taken away nearly a year of my life going through transitions of drugs, through the days where thinking is beyond any reasonable hope, where being fuzzy in both vision and mind are a way of life.  Sometimes it felt like it was all to much to much to deal with, but somewhere I found the strength.

I know where that strength came from.  It came from those I surrounded myself with both in the real world and on-line.  The support and love I have felt during my deepest and darkest hours have truly made me change my mind about humanity.  I have found some amazing people.  If it was not for the love and support of one man I have never met in person and only ever spoken to on Skype  I am not sure where I would be today, his steady hand sound strong advice has helped me through some very rough waters people.  I remember one night in particular where he kept me alive for 7 hours talking to me.  You know what the real kicker is.  He says he still loves me as a friend and for the life of me I still cant see why.

So a big thanks to those of you who supported me, it has meant more than you will ever know, I lost my ability to work through all this but you have kept me fed and clothed and a roof over my head, you have helped me through dark days fighting the black dog, and brought me back from the brink of self destruction.  Thanks it just does not seem enough to say for what you have all done but its all I have to offer and I hope its enough.

Horsey

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Rant

Down, alone, lonely and anxious, all words i know well.  All things that stalk my life my very being.  I take pills lots of them to feel better, to stop those feelings  but they dont always work.  Right now my future is uncertain, I am worried about lots of things some real, and some well not so real (or they will turn out that way).

I had so many plans for my life, most of them now gone evaporated gone for ever,  I looked at getting one of those dreams back today, and everything stands in my way. Everything that I need to do what I dreamt of is unattainable.  I wonder what I must have done to deserve all of this what I must have done to deserve getting Bipolar, what I must have done to deserve the pain that I have lived through this past 12 months.  Why must things be so damn hard, I just dont understand.  Some people go their whole lives and never have a days issue or stress, where as me, oh my do I have stresses and life sucks for me at times.

I dont mean to bitch I dont mean to moan, I have a wonderful man in my life, I have a 6 year old girl who does nothing but make me smile, its just the rest of my life is in pieces right now and I am not sure how to put it back together, and who will be around to help me.  I cant do it on my own I am just not strong enough.  People just assume because I made it this far I am strong enough to complete it, Im not, I have nearly run my marathon, and I am exhausted.  I dont know what to do where to turn and who to turn too.

Horsey

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When I am not sure.

Not sure how this post will run but I have a few things on my mind right now, things that will obviously sort themselves out over time if I let them.

Firstly I had Zoe today, and we did not do much, we played tickled and generally horsed around for a while, but she spent the bulk of the time playing neopets.com. Its something she adores and due to the fact that they don’t have an internet connection at home at the moment due to their ISP going broke, Zoe really only gets to play it here.

Secondly I had the strangest of dreams this morning in the am, I am talking somewhere between 5.00am and 8.00am this morning. I dreamt I was talking to someone on death row on the day they were to be executed. But even more bazaar we weren’t in a prison but at my work and the people being executed were my work mates. OK now I am truly confused as to what the hell is going on in my head. If anyone has any idea what the hell all that is about then please enlighten me.

Lastly and by far not the least of the thought processes. I have all of a sudden got a really big fear of getting HIV.. Don’t get me wrong I haven’t done anything with anyone to get HIV. But the whole thought of putting myself at risk is really getting to me right now. I am so adversely affected I am not even watching bareback porn which used to be my favorite fantasy. I am not even sure what has brought this fear on to me in the past couple of weeks, but it is one I am really stuck on. I don’t understand HIV very well and I think I am probably scared of the unknown factor, i.e I don’t know how it is really transmitted, i.e can you get it from receiving oral sex?

Ok that last one has me freaked.. so any info if you have it links etc would be really appreciated. Till I am happy with it all Mr Happy is staying in my pants.

Horsey

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My life this week..

Firstly let me apologise to my readers for not blogging much to be honest I am recovering from what has been one of the most stressful periods of my life.  I still have a little bit to do but nothing like I did.  I am somewhat relieved that things have finished up the way they have.  I still have my problems don’t get me wrong, but at least now I have a direction in my life.

Ok now onto this week.  Its been an interesting one, I have been talking with a blog buddy on quite a regular basis for the past week or so, and have found our chats to be quite good, in that they are letting me find more out about myself and others.  I know that was cryptic, lol but it was intended to be.  The person I am talking about will understand that comment and right now that is all that matters.

I have had a huge end of month start of new month financially with the trip to the psych costing me nearly $300.00 and a huge electricity bill to go with it.. meant that I have consumed the best part of $1000.00 this month, I simply cannot afford another month like this again any time soon.

On the bipolar front the new meds haven’t kicked in yet, and I am due for a down cycle and in fact I think I narrowly avoided one on Monday by going back to sleep instead of working through it.  I felt very fragile as though I would break if anything went wrong.  Its a feeling where I lock myself in my room, and turn out the lights an sit and hide from the world, the thought of even going out to go to the bathroom makes me shudder with dread.  Its not a nice feeling and to be honest I wish I never had to experience it again.   Anyway the new meds have had a couple of side effects including an upset stomach and an increase in anxiety but both of those seem to be fading away as they tend to do with me.  Which I am going to say I am lucky about because some people end up with nasty side effects for the life of their meds, so far touch wood I haven’t which has been fantastic.  I tend to get the side effects from the meds for a couple of days then they tend to fade away which like i said is good.

I had zoe the past weekend which was great, had an interesting discussion with Kelly over Zoe and her seeing a movie she should not have while she was under my care.  Zoe managed to sit a watch the best part of a movie, that she should not have seen and my stupid new house mate let her.  I will say I was dog tired that day and was having a small snooze in my room.  Another reason I have to give up this job because working Friday night into Saturday morning means I am dog tired for Zoe over the weekend.  Anyway Zoe and I had a great weekend, we played together and she gave me lots of cuddles and I can tell you there is nothing like a Zoe cuddle.  Ok its the Dad in me talking again.

Its time for me to sign off on this post I know Its a bit of a ramble but my life has been like that this past couple of weeks and if it were not for my online friends I don’t know  how I would have survived it.

Horsey

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