Archive for January, 2007

Im stressed tonight

Well I am stressed to say the least I got a letter from my new psych’s office today and nearly died. They have quoted me $295.00 for the consultation. To be honest that’s a damn lot of money, and I am not sure how much I can get back through medicare. If I cant get enough back then I simply cannot go as I will not be able to afford it. What with my doctors fees the meds and trying to live on around $200.00 a week I am simply unable to afford a big bill like that.

My dilemma is that I really need to see him to get some meds under way and to try and find a way forward with my illness. Thus I am stressed out.. I know a solution will be found but I have to work it out before the 28th of next month because that’s when the appointment is.. I suppose I will call them tomorrow and find out how much the rebate is. That will make the decision as to whether I can afford it or not.

I worked tonight, a whole 6 hours of constant physical work, I can tell you I am glad its over, its not that it is a bad shift its just that it is constant with no breaks doing work that I really don’t enjoy in the slightest. I have been getting myself so worked up about going to work that I have vomited in the car-park the last 2 shifts I hate the work that much.

On another front I hope to be able to find a new job soon, I am organising to do my resume this week so I hope I can find a job. Something full time and back in IT would be nice so I can afford to live and get the treatment I need without stressing out.

I know it seems like something trivial to all of you readers but let me assure you I wont be sleeping to well tonight.



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Bipolar part 2.0

Broken Soul

Well I will start with something simple I just finished work, and had plenty of time to think per usual, with all the noise there is no use trying to talk over it so you stand there working away your mind pouring over things. I must admit if you can get into a rhythm it is actually quite therapeutic.

Anyway back to what the header says I am going to talk about bipolar and my experience. I suppose there is only one place to start and that is the begining with this illness though quite frankly I cannot tell you what day or week or even year that it started, I just thought I was normal. Never being able to turn the thoughts off going at things at 100 miles an hour talking fast that was all me and I thought normal. The rash decisions that made me lose a business and my parents their house, the fast living the wild sex, the risk taking, driving race cars partying hard. All me I thought was normal I had no idea there was a name for it. Then there were the down times, when I could barely get out of bed, when I hid in my office and locked the door so no one could come in. Where I would go spend $20,000.00 on something to make me feel better, the suicidal thoughts and the attempts on my life. I knew they were not right, but no one seemed to want to help me with it. It was suck it up there is nothing wrong with you, you have so much a great business, great friends a great life most people would die for. In all fact all I wanted to do was die when I was down.

So I was diagnosed in May of 2006, only recently I know, I had tried to kill myself again. They listened to me, slowly but surely listened to my life story from my very beginnings, to the last attempt on my life. They then came up with the diagnosis I was bipolar. I was sent home with pills and my GF and told things would be ok. I was in to see a councilor every couple of days for a month, my long long road had begun.

I lost all but two friends one I talk to once a week now the other has drifted since I moved away. I suppose I should put here my GF stuck around for a couple of months then moved with my daughter 2800kms away, I decided there was nothing for me where I was and moved to be closer to my daughter. It was the hardest thing I have ever done and it tipped me into a bad bad depression when I arrived. I missed everything about my other place. In-fact I still do, it was a big thing to do and probably not the smartest thing, but I did it, and I moved. I have no support here except for my friends on the web and on the phone no one I can just go have coffee with which makes it hard but I know things will get better.

I finally felt strong enough to get a job in December of 2006 and started working as an inserter at the local newspaper, which means I help put the inserts (junk advertising) into the newspaper using hopers or by hand depending on the paper. Its been dam hard, on my bad days (they can go for weeks) I find it hard to even leave my room ( I live in a shared house where the people know about the bipolar but not me being gay), little known work, but I drag myself and stay inside my shell i steel myself to the job at hand.

The meds I am on are strong but they work most of the time the mood stabilisers have helped stop the highs but not the lows, and the anti psychotics have quietened the mind. They are expensive to stay on but I have no choice. I takes one weeks pay a month to keep me in pills. I am entitled to a disability pension and it has crossed my mind several times though I am not sure if its the right thing to do. I will ask my psych when I see him on the 28th of Feb.

Do I have regrets the answer is yes, I regret what i did when I was manic the people I hurt the lives i ruined, I am deeply sorry I hurt my parents, and they are still paying for my illness, my father in particular deserves better than what he has now. I feel sorry for hurting my ex Kelly, and the fact I hid my sexuality for so long, I should have been upfront and honest and not done the things I had done to her. I wish I could take lots of things back that I have done but I cant, all I can do now is try and get well and be a better person.

Whats in my future is a good question? If we can get my illness managed then full time work will be on the cards, I wont work for myself again for a long while, I need the time when i get home to rest, not to do paperwork as I did for so many years. I am now able to focus on one thing and not hop from one thing to another at a whim. So next time I start a business I will be far better at it.

I wanna say thanks here to someone who will never read this, all I can say about this person is that he has been an inspiration to me while I have been down, and has helped me in ways that I personally thought I was not entitled to. Thank you from the bottom of my heart I will never ever forget what you have done when I have been down and desperate.

Ok that is it for now if you wanna know more or details let me know in your comments.


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Living with Bipolar part 1.

Well it was suggested in the comments from my previous posts that i should write about what its like to live with Bipolar to give others some insite into this dissorder.

Well first let me say that this is my experience and will not necessarily match those of others, for starters I came out once I was diagnosed after hiding who I was for so many years.  Secondly just because you can relate to how I feel or how I have acted does not mean you are Bipolar.  Its not the easiest of dissorders to diagnose.

Now I have that out of the way.  I really need to think through what I am going to say, before I post as it is an intensly personal experience full of pain and dissapointment, some of which I might share and some I might not.  So give me a day or 2 to think it through, and I will post part 2.

Anyway for now i need some more sleep before work at 10.00pm.


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Bipolar Mood Dissorder

WTF is probably what your thinking, but i will place this post here because its what I suffer with every day of my life, I hate it, and i should credit the Australian health services for the brochure from which this post came from.

What is bipolar mood disorder?

Biploar mood disorder is the new name for what was called manic depressive illness.  The new name is used as it better describes the extreme mood swings -from depression and sadness to elation and excitement- that people with this illness experience.

People with Bipolar mood disorder experience recurrent episodes of depressed and elated moods. Both can be mild to severe.

The term “maina” is used to describe the most severe state of extreme elation and overactivity.

Some People with bipolar disorder do not experience depressive episodes – only epeisodes of elation and excitement.

What are the symptoms of bipolar mood disorder?


Common symptoms include varying degrees of the following:

* Elevated Mood- the person feels extremely high, happy and full of energy.  The experience is often described as feeling on top of the world and being invincible
* Increased energy and over activity.
* Reduced need for sleep
* Irritablility – the person may get angry and irritable with people who disagree or dismiss their sometimes unrealistic plans or ideas.
* Rapid thinking and speech-thoughts are more rapid than usual.  This can lead to the person speaking quickly and jumping from subject to subject
* Lack of inhibitions – this can be the result of the person’s reduced ability to foresee the consequences of their actions.  For example, spending large amounts of money, buying items which are not really needed.
* Grandiose plans and beliefs – it is common for people experiencing mania to believe they are unusually talented or gifted or are kings, films stars or prime ministers, for example.  It is common for religious beliefs to intesify or for people with this illness to believe they are an important religious figure.
* Lack of inisght – a person experiencing mania may understand that other people see their ideas and actions as inapproprate, reckless or irrational.  However they are unlikely to recognise the behaviour as inappropriate in themselves


Many people with bipolar mood disorder experience depressive episodes.

This type of depression can be triggered by a stressful or unhappy event, but more commonly occurs without obvious cause.

The person loses interest and pleasure in activities enjoyed before. They may withdraw and stop seeing friends, avoid social activities and cases simple tasks such as shopping and showering.

They are overwhelmed by a deep sadness, lose thier appetite, subsequently lose weight, cannot concerntrate and may experience associated feelings of guilt or hopelessness.

Some attempt suicide because life becomes meaningless or they feel too guilty to go on.

Others develop false beliefs (delusions) of persecution or guilt, or that they are evil

Normal Moods

Most people who have episodes of mania and depression experience normal moods in between.  They are able to live normal lives, manage household and business commitments and hold down a job.

Everyone experiences mood swings from time to time.  It is when these moods become extreme and lead to a failure to cope with life that medical attention is necessary.

What causes bipolar mood disorder?

Bipolar mood disorder affects two people in every hundered of the Australian population.

Men and women have an equal chance of developing the disorder. It is most common in people in their twenties.

It is believed that bipolar mood disorder is caused by a combination of factors including genetcis, biochemistry, stress and even the seasons.

Genetic Factors

Studies on close relations, identical twins and adopted children whose natural parents have bipolar mood disorder strongly suggest that the illness is genetically transmitted, and that children of parents with bipolar mood disorder have a greater risk of developing the disorder.

Biochmical Factors

Mania, like major depression is believed to be associated with a chemical imbalance in the brain which can be corrected with medication.


Stress may play a part in triggering symptoms, but not always. Sometimes the illness itself may cause the stressful event (such as divorce or a failed business), which may then be blamed for the illness.


Mania is more common in spring and depression in early winter. The reason for this is not clear.

What Treatments are available ?

Effective treatments are available for depressive and manic episodes of bipolar mood disorder.

For the depressive phase of this illness, anti-depressants are effective.  Anti-depressants are not addictive.  They slowly return the balance of neurotransmitters in the brain taking 1 – 4 weeks to achieve their positive effects.

Medication should be adjusted only under medical supervision, as some people may experience the onset of a manic phase.

It may be necessary to admit a person with severe depression to hospital for a time.

When people are in a manic phase, it can often be difficult to persuade them that they need treatment.  It may sometimes be necessary to admit the person to hospital if the symptoms are severe.

During acute or severe attacks of mania, several different medications are used.  Some are specifically used to calm the person’s manic excitement; others are used to help stabilise the persons mood.

Medications such as lithium are also used as preventive measures, as they help to control mood swings and reduce the frequency and severity of depressive and manic phases.

Pyschotherapy and counselling are used with medication to help the person understand the illness and better manage ts effects on their life.

With access to appropriate treatment and support, most people with bipolar mood disorder lead full and productive lives.

Where to go for help.

* Your general parctitioner.
* Your community Health centre
* Your community mental health centre.

For more information on services, check the Comminty Help and Welfare Services 24-hour emergency numbers in your local telephone directory.


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Ok this is a pic of me, you wont get another one unless i am feeling brave or I am drunk lol.


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The Mundane

Ok now I am going to post about one of those things that is familiar to most guys and some girls. Whats that you ask, well mowing the lawn. One of those mundane jobs that you have to do more often than you would like. Well today was my day to mow the grass.

Front lawn

I however pose a question which is easier mowing it before it gets long as in its a quicker job you just have to do it more often or mow it once its long and do it all at once.

I know for a fact that it takes longer when you are mowing the grass when its longer because you have to stop more often to empty the grass catcher. But it makes me wonder if you would spend the same amount of time mowing of you did it say twice instead of once? I am sure some person at a university somewhere has done a thesis on this very item, after all someones tax dollars had to be wasted.

Anyway below is the back lawn something I dont have to mow, thats the housemates problem, he lets the back lawn get away badly and it takes him like an hour to mow such a small area, again the question…

Back lawn really long

So next time your out on the lawn mower and your thinking there has to be an easier way to do this mundane task you know you could be right.


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My life

Well.  What can I say about my life right now other than i spend most of it on-line the rest working and a tiny little bit of going out and doing stuff.  I want to spend more time out but have no where to go  and no one to do it with.  In all sense of the word I am alone without the web.

I would like to say hi to my fist new visitor from uncensoredwritings check out his site he is in my links (look right), i have been laughing and crying a bit over there( gotta love the poetry)… and man does he post some hot photos…  OK now the horse has to calm down..  The poor man with think I am a stalker have been leaving comments everywhere.

I have so many questions of both myself and others things I don’t understand, things I want to experience, things like being with a man, laying in bed the morning after.  To share my life again with someone who treats me as an equal something that I don’t think I have ever had or let someone do.  I want to know what its like to go out with a guy to a restaurant to eat dinner to enjoy a show.. All the things I have done with a woman but somehow it now seems empty, though i am sure it wasn’t at the time.

My life is right now a series of unanswered questions, hopefully over time I find those answers and i am sure i will share them with you.


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