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Archive for February, 2007

Its nearly done

Well what can I say but by this time tomorrow things should be done, all of the major stresses that have had me down and feeling low should all be put away and completed.  I have had a major clean up of my past life going on which has included closing down the last of my businesses and finishing things up financially.

I have also declared bankrupt, which has been extremely  stressful, one because  I feel like I have failed and secondly because its not something I had ever envisaged doing in my life. I have been ill now for long enough for things to bite quite solidly on me financially to a point now where I can just pay my rent Internet phone bills and eat.

In some respects this point is the end of the past for me and a new start a time for me to find myself again and start moving forward.  I have trodden water for long enough I see my psych on Wednesday and hope like hell we can get on top of the depression I have been suffering from, as they seem to have the mania associated with my condition under control.  If we can get things under control, then I can get my life under control and start to move on from my past and start to make a future where things are better than they are now.

I have felt handicapped by my illness and I have lost contact with my faith because of it.   I have been blaming god for my illness and for putting me through this hell. I have asked for answers but been given no reply, I have been left feeling alone and tested by this illness.  I have however in the past couple of days started to realise that there are things changing around me things I had been blind to see.  Things are slowly but surely moving in the right direction for me.  So maybe he has answered my call for help, maybe I have just been to blinded by my own rage to see what he has been doing for me.  Its time I forgave and asked for forgiveness.

As for being gay..  Well that is another story and a part of my life I am about to start to explore.  I have known I was gay for a long time admitted to myself not that long ago, but its something I have to explore in this life i have been given.  God gave me choice its now up to me what I do with it.

Horsey

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Its 5.00am and I am feeling Bad

Well the header says it all, I have been awake for about an hour, nothing unusual in that recently, it has a lot to do with what time I am going to bed. My sleeping patterns are so screwed up because of working night shift plus the stress of all the stuff going on in my life right now.   I have been laying here thinking which is not a good thing for me to do and my mind has wandered into dangerous territory and has had me crying and upset again.

I wish I wasn’t this way any more and I know I have exactly a week to go till everything is settled.  Plus I will be seeing my psych so with some luck he will change my meds so I have some chance of feeling better and not like this any more.  You know you think I would feel great today after having a me day yesterday but I don’t I feel down and horrible.

There are thoughts swirling about in my head about me not wanting to be here in Townsville  of being sick and tired of this job I have, though I have doubts as to whether I would be able to do anything else right now with some consistency.  Dark thoughts about whether the world would be better off without me and whether i would be better off without it.  Thoughts about a little girl I will ultimately have taken away from me, about a lost relationship and the pains I still suffer.  Thoughts about being alone, and scared of everything, and most scarily thoughts that I am not alright I feel unsafe where I am and no matter what I cant shake that feeling.

I hate these times in my life, I hate the fact I am anxious and upset and I know I have to work tonight I have things I must do today that cant wait.  I am seriously unhappy in my current existence and I need to know with certainty that things will get better because if they cant I don’t want to be here. Yes I am down and in a dangerous place, my own death seems like a viable option. I know its wrong but the thoughts wont go away.

horsey

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I am not posting much ….

I’m sorry readers that I am not posting much have some major stresses in my life right now that I need to get out of the way, I hope at this stage to have most of it wrapped up buy the 28th of this month (yes I know its the last day lol). Its been a hard couple of months for me with one thing or another, bad dreams have become a norm again as my life feels like it is spiraling out of control.

It does not help me feel any better when my ex posts on her blog about how much better her new man is than me. Though she never says its me, its bleeding obvious who she is talking about. I wonder now if she ever loved me or it was all just a big farce. I feel hurt by her still and I am not sure I would be out of the closet if it weren’t for some stupid things I did.

Have been having huge arguments with my family, who I used to be so close to, now it feels like we are on oposite poles, we physically and emotionally could not be in more distant places right now. Plus I can see the relationship crashing even further once dad finds out what I have had to clean up and deal with, which means that there will be no more money from me ever, well not ever just the next 3 years. I am sure it will kill him. But I cant do anything about it any more I am a man out of options.

I know this is cryptic and I am sorry I am just not prepared to divulge whats going on in my life right now till its done and dusted. I do know that things could not get much worse and if they do then I might be spending some time in a mental hospital ( not joking).

I’m going for now will post again as soon as I can.

Ps for those who already know whats going on, yes I am really struggling right now, and although you have offered your support I have no one here with me. I love you all I just hope right now its enough to see me through.

Horsey

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Well Zoe is Here

Well the place is alive again my little girl is with her dad for the night and as I write this is dead to the world asleep on the mattress beside my bed. I love her so much and her being here has really brought home the reason I came up here. She is sweet innocent and beautiful and make most of my problems just evaporate while she is around.

She also gives me a new perspective on the new job and my options up here. You see I am entitled to a disability pension while I am being treated for Bipolar its just not something that I have been able to apply for due to the fact I owned my own business. Now if on the 28th of this month the phsych says no more work then because I have been working elsewhere I will be re-entitled to the pension. Which though is not a lot of money is more per fortnight than I have been earning. I know this option means that I go no where financially for a while but it does allow me to get better and finailise my treatment which would be fantastic.

Anyway it gives me options, something I am short of right now for staying up here with her. Below is a photo I took tonight just before bed

Zoe Before bed

Horsey

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It was all easy when I was straight, or pretending to be, it was obvious to everyone who I was, I was a thirty something bald guy who had a partner and daughter, no threat to anyone, in-fact just part of the norm.  It finally hit home this past week about how non benign I can be perceived to be in being a single dad.  Not a gay single dad just a single dad.  You see I was accused of sexual harassment this past week.  By a woman no less.  I know if your like everyone else who I have told they could not stop laughing..

I don’t know how to harass anyone, and why would it be a woman one must ask.   First let me explain a little more about where I work, its crowded hot and uncomfortable ohh and did i say crowded especially on a Friday night, inevitably you get run into by others an you run into them.. It seems that the complaint came from a woman who I apparently bumped into twice in one night..  Harassment I ask.  But there is a darker side to all this.

One of the girls at work, worked at the local gay nightclub and I asked her if she would take me along it seems she placed a complaint in as well claiming I hit on her, it was after all her idea to take me out, I took it seriously enough to go buy some new clothes and all.  All I wanted was someone to take me to the club since I was such a chicken (still am)  So somewhere in her female twisted mind she took.. “I’m gay can you take me to the gay nightclub to”..  “Your hot I want in your pants”..  Go figure.. I am confused and hurt..

So what did I have to do after being confronted with this information well like any male I wanted to clear my name so in front of the boss crying my eyes out I told him I was gay.  Something that I don’t think belongs in a work place,  information that is private to me and to those I want to tell I should never have been forced into telling him by these women.  I suppose its what this post is all about.. Why don’t I have full control over who I tell and who I don’t and why must people take advantage of me and put me in a position where I must tell.   I feel I am getting closer to that point where I live as well, where its only a matter of time till I will have to disclose my sexuality.  The sexual comments etc that are here make me feel uncomfortable at times as does the fact that a house mate has his GF here all the time yet if I was to find someone there would be a double standard about me bringing him home for sex.

I have also come OUT to my best friend of 20 years today, he has been offering me a place to stay and now a job, I felt again I was forced to tell him, I know from our previous convestations that It would not have been an issue, but he was shocked I know that. I could tell in his voice and right now I missed a call from him today and I am not sure things are ok between us..  Again I feel as if I had to tell him so that I wasnt lying to anyone, I felt I had the choice removed from me by his actions of trying to help me..  I am not bitter about telling him but I am sacred I may have lost a life long friend.

By being who I am have I ultimately taken away my own rights as to who has such private information about me ?

Being OUT and being gay, is damn hard right now for me, its not something that I ever expected to deal with in my life, and because the only gay people I know are on-line, I have no one really to talk to about all this.  I do feel powerless about my sharing of information right now though I haven’t told everyone I know the number who don’t know is shrinking daily.  Why?

Anyway just to let you know the sexual harassment thing has been dropped, since the boss now knows there is simply no sexual attraction to women.  He is going to have words with the girl who offered to take me out, as he seems to think she may have been using him to out me.  And the other woman well as he said she may just have an overactive imagination as well.  He also said one thing was for sure…  That there was no way he would be taking any such future complaint against me seriously.  unless it was a guy lol..

I would really like your thoughts and your experiences guys, I know it may end in a long response but I am feeling pretty OUTED and shitty about the whole being gay thing right now, having serious thoughts about finding the closet again.

Horsey

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Back

Well I know I have been away this week as well, its been very full on, I worked at that bastard of a place Monday Tuesday Wednesday nights and was supposed to work again tonight but I called in sick. I did not want it to be a repeat of the week before where there were half the number needed and everyone worked twice as hard because we were short staffed, the whole thought made me collapse mentally.

So what should I tell you about my week. Its been rotten to be honest, have been accused of sexual harassment by a woman which forced me to come OUT at work what a drama that was, had a huge fight with my parents over lost money. I don’t know what I did in a past life sometimes, but it cant have been good.

The only bright spot came late yesterday afternoon, when a good friend of mine, offered me a good job, its 3 states away back where I used to live but I am seriously contemplating it.

So I ask you this question..

Would you move yourself for a second time in 12 months away from your own daughter to get what appears to be a dream job ?

Its a hard question, I hate my current job with a passion I haven’t known I have had before, the new job is away from it and will provide me with sufficient funds to live and move forward something the current job is unable to do even working 4 nights a week.

I would really like your input on this one, as i have to make a decision soon regarding what I am going to do.

Horsey

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Not been too good…

Sorry I haven’t posted in a couple of days I haven’t been to well mentally in-fact spent most of last night up crying my eyes out, both mentally and physically exhausted.  More mentally than anything else.  Well today I finally got some sleep, that I had been craving since Friday night, with the meds  I am on its difficult to sleep without sleeping tablets and I dont have any right now, however should have some in the morning fingers crossed.

To make things more interesting I am working from 2.00am tonight so my sleep patterns will even be worse than before, god I hate this job.

Horsey

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