Archive for March, 2007

New post coming i have news

Just a quick post now I will post something bigger in a day or two, have work for the next 2 nights in a row.. yes it sucks so I wont have time to blog.. but there is some great news i want to share with you.. and Tony no telling..



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How do you help someone ?

I know this post will sound cryptic so you have been warned in advance. How to start this post, well i suppose i start at the beginning and go from there.

I have a friend online who has been supportive and helpful since i came out, he is younger than me and has turned into a great friend. However in the past 4 or 5 weeks he has been having problems, and I have wanted to be there for him, but he has locked me out of his life. I want to help him like he helped me but he wont let me, I want to be a good friend and be a shoulder to cry on, but he wont let me. I have tried and tried to get him to talk to me but he just ignores me. What am I to do?

I have been lying awake at night worrying about him because I care, but I dont know how to help him. I have even tried talking to his other friends and they are trying to help him. I am out of options and I dont know what to do.


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To Jason

I knew you only online, but you became a friend and now your gone. RIP my friend I will miss you but your fight with cancer is over be at peace and may the arms of the angles take you to heaven.

Jason Alexander Fielding 14/03/2007

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When I am not sure.

Not sure how this post will run but I have a few things on my mind right now, things that will obviously sort themselves out over time if I let them.

Firstly I had Zoe today, and we did not do much, we played tickled and generally horsed around for a while, but she spent the bulk of the time playing neopets.com. Its something she adores and due to the fact that they don’t have an internet connection at home at the moment due to their ISP going broke, Zoe really only gets to play it here.

Secondly I had the strangest of dreams this morning in the am, I am talking somewhere between 5.00am and 8.00am this morning. I dreamt I was talking to someone on death row on the day they were to be executed. But even more bazaar we weren’t in a prison but at my work and the people being executed were my work mates. OK now I am truly confused as to what the hell is going on in my head. If anyone has any idea what the hell all that is about then please enlighten me.

Lastly and by far not the least of the thought processes. I have all of a sudden got a really big fear of getting HIV.. Don’t get me wrong I haven’t done anything with anyone to get HIV. But the whole thought of putting myself at risk is really getting to me right now. I am so adversely affected I am not even watching bareback porn which used to be my favorite fantasy. I am not even sure what has brought this fear on to me in the past couple of weeks, but it is one I am really stuck on. I don’t understand HIV very well and I think I am probably scared of the unknown factor, i.e I don’t know how it is really transmitted, i.e can you get it from receiving oral sex?

Ok that last one has me freaked.. so any info if you have it links etc would be really appreciated. Till I am happy with it all Mr Happy is staying in my pants.


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My life this week..

Firstly let me apologise to my readers for not blogging much to be honest I am recovering from what has been one of the most stressful periods of my life.  I still have a little bit to do but nothing like I did.  I am somewhat relieved that things have finished up the way they have.  I still have my problems don’t get me wrong, but at least now I have a direction in my life.

Ok now onto this week.  Its been an interesting one, I have been talking with a blog buddy on quite a regular basis for the past week or so, and have found our chats to be quite good, in that they are letting me find more out about myself and others.  I know that was cryptic, lol but it was intended to be.  The person I am talking about will understand that comment and right now that is all that matters.

I have had a huge end of month start of new month financially with the trip to the psych costing me nearly $300.00 and a huge electricity bill to go with it.. meant that I have consumed the best part of $1000.00 this month, I simply cannot afford another month like this again any time soon.

On the bipolar front the new meds haven’t kicked in yet, and I am due for a down cycle and in fact I think I narrowly avoided one on Monday by going back to sleep instead of working through it.  I felt very fragile as though I would break if anything went wrong.  Its a feeling where I lock myself in my room, and turn out the lights an sit and hide from the world, the thought of even going out to go to the bathroom makes me shudder with dread.  Its not a nice feeling and to be honest I wish I never had to experience it again.   Anyway the new meds have had a couple of side effects including an upset stomach and an increase in anxiety but both of those seem to be fading away as they tend to do with me.  Which I am going to say I am lucky about because some people end up with nasty side effects for the life of their meds, so far touch wood I haven’t which has been fantastic.  I tend to get the side effects from the meds for a couple of days then they tend to fade away which like i said is good.

I had zoe the past weekend which was great, had an interesting discussion with Kelly over Zoe and her seeing a movie she should not have while she was under my care.  Zoe managed to sit a watch the best part of a movie, that she should not have seen and my stupid new house mate let her.  I will say I was dog tired that day and was having a small snooze in my room.  Another reason I have to give up this job because working Friday night into Saturday morning means I am dog tired for Zoe over the weekend.  Anyway Zoe and I had a great weekend, we played together and she gave me lots of cuddles and I can tell you there is nothing like a Zoe cuddle.  Ok its the Dad in me talking again.

Its time for me to sign off on this post I know Its a bit of a ramble but my life has been like that this past couple of weeks and if it were not for my online friends I don’t know  how I would have survived it.


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Its all done…

Well its all done, as far as I know anyway,  I finished the paperwork off on Tuesday and had it submitted by Wednesday as planned, and I haven’t heard back yet which is a good sign I  got the paperwork right.  I have asked them to communicate with me via email where possible to keep things quiet on the home front.

Anyway I have also seen the psych this week and got some news out of it, firstly I have been put on an anti-depressant as well as the other drugs I am on.  This is supposed to be  a solution to my depression.  It will take a 3 or 4 weeks for the meds to kick in.  Secondly I am now allowed back to full time work which is great, so I have spent most of today looking at work and seeing whats around.  Basically tomorrows newspaper is the one that I need to get as it will have all the jobs in it.  I hope there is something there.

I am working tonight which I don’t want to do, I hate Fridays its so crowded noisy and in general is not nice to work..  But I need the money, sad but true.  I suppose I am looking for a job that I will like not necessarily one that I have done before.  Something in IT would be fantastic but I am willing to do sales as well.  It just depends on what they are selling and who the company is.  I noticed two jobs for Coke, but I am unwilling to even contemplate working for them as i have heard bad stories about unrealistic targets etc.  And all i need is more pressure in my life, from a job that has unrealistic expectations.

So right now I am fairly uneasy about the future the whole thought of going through this find a job process is freaking me out a little, after all I have worked for myself since 1992.  So now I have to go out into the jobs market and see how I stack up against others going for the same work.  I also have to over come the feelings of being trapped in a job like I do in the one I am now.  I find when I don’t feel  trapped then things are better for me and I become more relaxed and less stressed.  I have no idea where these feelings have been coming from but I just know that I wish they would go away that way I might be able to be normal.


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