Archive for the ‘depressed’ Category


Yeah i know I havent been round much at all since August, have been a bit busy and to be honest I havent known what to say to everyone.  Looks like Uncensored has gone I hope he is ok, because  his blog has been pulled to bits. It was an interesting read, and i will miss him.

Zoe is still leaving Im down to 4 visits now before she leaves, my man is heading away over christmas to be with his family so i will most likely be house sitting and will have zoe during the christmas new year period.. up untill a couple of days before she heads out of my life.  Looking forward to having her but not her leaving.  Think it will be a real test of how far I have come mentally as to how i react after she has left.

Will leave this post short, i will try and post again in a couple of days


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The Psych

I went and saw the psychiatrist today, and because of me feeling down for the past 3 visits he has doubled my meds across the board.. including my mood stabilizers and my anti depressants.  Im hoping this will make a huge difference as I am seeing him again in 3 weeks, not that i can afford to see him in 3 weeks but I am going to even if it means going without food. Maybe this time we might have gotten on top of this issue.  Maybe I might end up feeling normal.


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Down, alone, lonely and anxious, all words i know well.  All things that stalk my life my very being.  I take pills lots of them to feel better, to stop those feelings  but they dont always work.  Right now my future is uncertain, I am worried about lots of things some real, and some well not so real (or they will turn out that way).

I had so many plans for my life, most of them now gone evaporated gone for ever,  I looked at getting one of those dreams back today, and everything stands in my way. Everything that I need to do what I dreamt of is unattainable.  I wonder what I must have done to deserve all of this what I must have done to deserve getting Bipolar, what I must have done to deserve the pain that I have lived through this past 12 months.  Why must things be so damn hard, I just dont understand.  Some people go their whole lives and never have a days issue or stress, where as me, oh my do I have stresses and life sucks for me at times.

I dont mean to bitch I dont mean to moan, I have a wonderful man in my life, I have a 6 year old girl who does nothing but make me smile, its just the rest of my life is in pieces right now and I am not sure how to put it back together, and who will be around to help me.  I cant do it on my own I am just not strong enough.  People just assume because I made it this far I am strong enough to complete it, Im not, I have nearly run my marathon, and I am exhausted.  I dont know what to do where to turn and who to turn too.


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Warning this may not be to nice to read.

You know I have gone to write this post many many times, but each time I chicken out. Its not the easiest of things to write about and be objective when you have had such a past as mine.

So where do you start, well i suppose its with the things that lead people to contemplate suicide. Depression being the leading cause, drug abuse etc can also be thrown in there.

Depression is something I know all about, the depth to which someones soul can fall, to where no one can help, to a level of darkness a normal person would never want to feel. To want to take your own life when things are so dark and are so desperate, seems somehow logical, it seems no matter what people say that death and only death will set you free from the feelings from the despair. I have been there to many times, there was a period of my life not long ago when i wondered when I would kill myself not if. I was desperate for help but had to wait.

Most people will never understand that feeling of desperation that things can not be set right, they dont understand that all you want to do is end it. That death is the only way to feel free of everything because life is not worth living. I have heard people say many times that suicide is a cowards way out of things. Its not something that you even think about, I know it takes courage to attempt to take ones own life so I find that argument hollow. I know for example should I ever do it I would hurt a lot of people, but somewhere inside I know they would get over my loss, that they would get on with their lives. I would live on through them long after I am gone, and my pain would be forever ended.

I suppose I have been lucky in that over the past 12 months when things have been bad desperate and dark, I have had people to talk too. I called lifeline on many a long lonely night, to talk it out, to just have someone help me through the darkness the loneliness in my own soul. A total stranger that would not judge me but would help me would understand in some way that i was not right that things were not good. They kept me away from the car, the sleeping pills or the razor blades, they kept me safe. For that I will be forever thankful.

No one should be allowed to die in the depth of a depression, there should always be someone there to reach out even when you are pushed away. Just to be there is often enough for a person not to follow through. It does get through every little effort made makes a difference. I know, what its like to have someone you care about just simply ask if your okay, for someone notice that your not okay.

I want people to understand how bad it is, to understand that we are not being weak, we are sick, not well and just because you cant see it does not mean its not there. The pain is real not like a broken leg or arm where its obvious but a pain in the soul, where your heart is bleeding to death and no one can stop the feelings.

If I should ever take my own life I want those who know me to understand that it was not them, they could not have done anything to stop me. It was my time I could no longer continue the fight with my illness. I am sick right now as i write this and haven’t been well for a couple of days now. I am struggling with my feelings, with the depth of the emptiness and pain I am feeling. I am not unsafe yet but i know its not far off. I have lifelines number and i pray i will have the strength to call them if i get bad, and i pray i have the strength to pull out again. I don’t feel fragile or afraid, and that’s what scares me, at least with those feelings I can protect myself. When i feel like this i am at my most dangerous.

I have been lying these last couple of days telling everyone I am okay, when in reality I am far from it, I’m sorry I have had to lie to you but you don’t understand.. you don’t want to listen to me because you don’t know what to say, you don’t know how to make me feel better so you say nothing at all. So I will save you the trouble, “don’t worry about me I’m fine”.


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