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Archive for May, 2007

Rant

Down, alone, lonely and anxious, all words i know well.  All things that stalk my life my very being.  I take pills lots of them to feel better, to stop those feelings  but they dont always work.  Right now my future is uncertain, I am worried about lots of things some real, and some well not so real (or they will turn out that way).

I had so many plans for my life, most of them now gone evaporated gone for ever,  I looked at getting one of those dreams back today, and everything stands in my way. Everything that I need to do what I dreamt of is unattainable.  I wonder what I must have done to deserve all of this what I must have done to deserve getting Bipolar, what I must have done to deserve the pain that I have lived through this past 12 months.  Why must things be so damn hard, I just dont understand.  Some people go their whole lives and never have a days issue or stress, where as me, oh my do I have stresses and life sucks for me at times.

I dont mean to bitch I dont mean to moan, I have a wonderful man in my life, I have a 6 year old girl who does nothing but make me smile, its just the rest of my life is in pieces right now and I am not sure how to put it back together, and who will be around to help me.  I cant do it on my own I am just not strong enough.  People just assume because I made it this far I am strong enough to complete it, Im not, I have nearly run my marathon, and I am exhausted.  I dont know what to do where to turn and who to turn too.

Horsey

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Things are changing

I am sorry to all my readers that I havent posted in a while, I have had my birthday (thanks to all who stopped by and said happy birthday) and some major changes in my life.

The first major change is that I will be giving up working for a while.  My doctor has given me a medical certificate to quit working nights so I no longer have that stress on my body and weak mind.  Working 4 nights out of 5 in that place was enough to make me seriously upset as you have been a testament to on this blog.

I now have some major things to do to ensure I end up with some government assistance for a while till I can find a day job that is 9 to 5 instead of whatever hour they wanted to work me.

Second major change has been my sleeping patterns are going back to normal, I am now sleeping most the night and not during the day which is good and not working nights is helping that no end.

So all in all a couple of things going on, i will know more on Monday about where i sit financially but it looks like I will actually be better off on government assistance than I was working.  Strange but true.

OK thats all from me for now, have a post brewing has been in draft mode for 3 weeks maybe i will get motivated and finish it this weekend.

Horsey

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Been fiddling

Ok so you noticed another theme change.  I have been at it again, i like this theme simple and clean, and I like my new header picture reminds me of a beach I once had a fantastic holiday at.

Anyway today finds me in a far better mood, Im tired I will admit, did a big shift last night at work it went far latter than it normally would thanks to some breakdowns.  I still hate the place dont get me wrong.

So I hope you are all well this is just a short post to say hi and let everyone know I am ok, and that for now I think I have fiddled enough with the blog look and layout.  I also wanted to say hi to uncensored, and want to let him know I really like his blog, and i look forward to reading it its one of the first places I visit most days.  I especially like his current posts about his life I am finding them fascinating. Make sure you check him out, simply click his link in my blog roll.

time for me to be off

Horsey

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RANT…

Okay I am shitty as all hell, yes i have been feeling better the last couple of days..  thanks for asking..  No Im not sorry I posted the previous post, not in the slightest, it helped me get through another dark period.

Why am i shitty.. Fucking work again, I have worked Monday night 2.00am for the past 10 weeks infact it is my regular shift, something which i have come to expect and I know whats expected of me on the shift.  Well that was till last night we had 8 people and I was the only regular, everyone ordering me what to do, not being able to do the things I normally do, people pushing me out of the way and out of what I was doing, then getting accused of doing nothing.. For fucks sake, i worked my backside off especially since one bitch wont come withing 20 feet of me and left me with newpapers coming down the conveyer all on my own..  Fucking cow she is just cause I am gay everyone thinks they can order me round, and when I did stick up for myself I got accused of being slow.. agghhh I hate this job..

I hate small minded people I work with why do they feel they can order me around and its only been  happening since I came out at work.  What do they think I am some mindless poof who cant think for himself.  Fuck I am angry.  I have never been this pissed off at work.  I so want another job one that does not beat up my self esteem.

Horsey

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Suicide…

Warning this may not be to nice to read.

You know I have gone to write this post many many times, but each time I chicken out. Its not the easiest of things to write about and be objective when you have had such a past as mine.

So where do you start, well i suppose its with the things that lead people to contemplate suicide. Depression being the leading cause, drug abuse etc can also be thrown in there.

Depression is something I know all about, the depth to which someones soul can fall, to where no one can help, to a level of darkness a normal person would never want to feel. To want to take your own life when things are so dark and are so desperate, seems somehow logical, it seems no matter what people say that death and only death will set you free from the feelings from the despair. I have been there to many times, there was a period of my life not long ago when i wondered when I would kill myself not if. I was desperate for help but had to wait.

Most people will never understand that feeling of desperation that things can not be set right, they dont understand that all you want to do is end it. That death is the only way to feel free of everything because life is not worth living. I have heard people say many times that suicide is a cowards way out of things. Its not something that you even think about, I know it takes courage to attempt to take ones own life so I find that argument hollow. I know for example should I ever do it I would hurt a lot of people, but somewhere inside I know they would get over my loss, that they would get on with their lives. I would live on through them long after I am gone, and my pain would be forever ended.

I suppose I have been lucky in that over the past 12 months when things have been bad desperate and dark, I have had people to talk too. I called lifeline on many a long lonely night, to talk it out, to just have someone help me through the darkness the loneliness in my own soul. A total stranger that would not judge me but would help me would understand in some way that i was not right that things were not good. They kept me away from the car, the sleeping pills or the razor blades, they kept me safe. For that I will be forever thankful.

No one should be allowed to die in the depth of a depression, there should always be someone there to reach out even when you are pushed away. Just to be there is often enough for a person not to follow through. It does get through every little effort made makes a difference. I know, what its like to have someone you care about just simply ask if your okay, for someone notice that your not okay.

I want people to understand how bad it is, to understand that we are not being weak, we are sick, not well and just because you cant see it does not mean its not there. The pain is real not like a broken leg or arm where its obvious but a pain in the soul, where your heart is bleeding to death and no one can stop the feelings.

If I should ever take my own life I want those who know me to understand that it was not them, they could not have done anything to stop me. It was my time I could no longer continue the fight with my illness. I am sick right now as i write this and haven’t been well for a couple of days now. I am struggling with my feelings, with the depth of the emptiness and pain I am feeling. I am not unsafe yet but i know its not far off. I have lifelines number and i pray i will have the strength to call them if i get bad, and i pray i have the strength to pull out again. I don’t feel fragile or afraid, and that’s what scares me, at least with those feelings I can protect myself. When i feel like this i am at my most dangerous.

I have been lying these last couple of days telling everyone I am okay, when in reality I am far from it, I’m sorry I have had to lie to you but you don’t understand.. you don’t want to listen to me because you don’t know what to say, you don’t know how to make me feel better so you say nothing at all. So I will save you the trouble, “don’t worry about me I’m fine”.

Horsey

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