Warning this may not be to nice to read.
You know I have gone to write this post many many times, but each time I chicken out. Its not the easiest of things to write about and be objective when you have had such a past as mine.
So where do you start, well i suppose its with the things that lead people to contemplate suicide. Depression being the leading cause, drug abuse etc can also be thrown in there.
Depression is something I know all about, the depth to which someones soul can fall, to where no one can help, to a level of darkness a normal person would never want to feel. To want to take your own life when things are so dark and are so desperate, seems somehow logical, it seems no matter what people say that death and only death will set you free from the feelings from the despair. I have been there to many times, there was a period of my life not long ago when i wondered when I would kill myself not if. I was desperate for help but had to wait.
Most people will never understand that feeling of desperation that things can not be set right, they dont understand that all you want to do is end it. That death is the only way to feel free of everything because life is not worth living. I have heard people say many times that suicide is a cowards way out of things. Its not something that you even think about, I know it takes courage to attempt to take ones own life so I find that argument hollow. I know for example should I ever do it I would hurt a lot of people, but somewhere inside I know they would get over my loss, that they would get on with their lives. I would live on through them long after I am gone, and my pain would be forever ended.
I suppose I have been lucky in that over the past 12 months when things have been bad desperate and dark, I have had people to talk too. I called lifeline on many a long lonely night, to talk it out, to just have someone help me through the darkness the loneliness in my own soul. A total stranger that would not judge me but would help me would understand in some way that i was not right that things were not good. They kept me away from the car, the sleeping pills or the razor blades, they kept me safe. For that I will be forever thankful.
No one should be allowed to die in the depth of a depression, there should always be someone there to reach out even when you are pushed away. Just to be there is often enough for a person not to follow through. It does get through every little effort made makes a difference. I know, what its like to have someone you care about just simply ask if your okay, for someone notice that your not okay.
I want people to understand how bad it is, to understand that we are not being weak, we are sick, not well and just because you cant see it does not mean its not there. The pain is real not like a broken leg or arm where its obvious but a pain in the soul, where your heart is bleeding to death and no one can stop the feelings.
If I should ever take my own life I want those who know me to understand that it was not them, they could not have done anything to stop me. It was my time I could no longer continue the fight with my illness. I am sick right now as i write this and haven’t been well for a couple of days now. I am struggling with my feelings, with the depth of the emptiness and pain I am feeling. I am not unsafe yet but i know its not far off. I have lifelines number and i pray i will have the strength to call them if i get bad, and i pray i have the strength to pull out again. I don’t feel fragile or afraid, and that’s what scares me, at least with those feelings I can protect myself. When i feel like this i am at my most dangerous.
I have been lying these last couple of days telling everyone I am okay, when in reality I am far from it, I’m sorry I have had to lie to you but you don’t understand.. you don’t want to listen to me because you don’t know what to say, you don’t know how to make me feel better so you say nothing at all. So I will save you the trouble, “don’t worry about me I’m fine”.
Horsey
